Some call it dreaded.....some call it hell......I call it surreal, agonizing, maddening, joyful, hopeful, desperate.....a mixed bag perhaps?
Although we've been through the 2WW many times before, this is the first time going through an IVF 2WW. What have I been doing the last two weeks you ask? Donating my body to science so that we can become pregnant through the most advanced ART available in this world of IF. I honestly freaked out at the thought of having to go through this the very first time I was told this might be our only way. We're talking hysterical sobbing, nervous break-down, full-on drama fest. Eventually, I got over it when I realized this just might be our only chance to have a biological child. I got over because I didn't want to go through life with regrets if we didn't at least try it once.
This is where the "donating my body to science" part comes in. The other part about the freak out had to do with the financial obligations of doing an IVF cycle. So when we were faced with either adoption (which is a VERY honorable way to grow your family) or IVF, I went into research mode to find a way we could do IVF with little or no financial obligation. With the help of a close friend, I found one!
Long story short....(I know, too late). That's what I've been doing the last two weeks. I started the process on March 11th. The ER was on March 21st and we transferred back two embryos on March 24th. Five days into the 2WW and I haven't lost it (completely)...... yet.
This whole journey is one giant roller coaster, but this wait is it's own fun, twisty, turny roller coaster in and of itself. Mr. Bags (my DH) has been amazing through it all and continues to be my rock. I couldn't have done it without him....literally. :)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Hope and 50 cent pieces
I know, I know....I blast onto the blog scene and then disappear. Well I have to be honest I can be inconsistent sometimes, but I will try to set myself a small goal of posting at least every couple of weeks.
You're especially going to be surprised when I tell you what I've been doing that last few weeks. But I digress. That will come in the next post to follow.
The word "hope" is a funny emotion that encompasses a simple, human belief that everyone has from time to time in a desired goal. When that goal seems unachievable or keeps eluding you like a long-lost relative in a dream, hope turns into it's evil twin named dread. An author I respect once said, "If you attach hope to a goal it becomes and expectation, therefore disappointment is inevitable if that expectation doesn't come to fruition."
On this journey I have learned not to put a lot of hope into every procedure, every twinge, ever day I'm late for AF, every cycle. So I really can't remember the last time I really felt hope. It has become a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from the pain of disappointment.
Since October we've been playing a "watching and waiting" game with our cycles. My history gives a picture of what that's about. Hope has been trying to creep in, but I haven't let it. Until the other day when I got an omen from a very unlikely place. Driving home one evening after a stressful day at work I needed to grab some dinner. I ended up at a fast food drive-thru (don't worry I ordered the healthiest thing I could :)) I gave the cashier cash for the food and in change she gave me back a 50 cent piece. I was taken by surprise, because the significance of receiving this coin has many meanings for me.
You're especially going to be surprised when I tell you what I've been doing that last few weeks. But I digress. That will come in the next post to follow.
The word "hope" is a funny emotion that encompasses a simple, human belief that everyone has from time to time in a desired goal. When that goal seems unachievable or keeps eluding you like a long-lost relative in a dream, hope turns into it's evil twin named dread. An author I respect once said, "If you attach hope to a goal it becomes and expectation, therefore disappointment is inevitable if that expectation doesn't come to fruition."
On this journey I have learned not to put a lot of hope into every procedure, every twinge, ever day I'm late for AF, every cycle. So I really can't remember the last time I really felt hope. It has become a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from the pain of disappointment.
Since October we've been playing a "watching and waiting" game with our cycles. My history gives a picture of what that's about. Hope has been trying to creep in, but I haven't let it. Until the other day when I got an omen from a very unlikely place. Driving home one evening after a stressful day at work I needed to grab some dinner. I ended up at a fast food drive-thru (don't worry I ordered the healthiest thing I could :)) I gave the cashier cash for the food and in change she gave me back a 50 cent piece. I was taken by surprise, because the significance of receiving this coin has many meanings for me.
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