Hope and 50 cent pieces

I know, I know....I blast onto the blog scene and then disappear. Well I have to be honest I can be inconsistent sometimes, but I will try to set myself a small goal of posting at least every couple of weeks.

You're especially going to be surprised when I tell you what I've been doing that last few weeks. But I digress. That will come in the next post to follow.

The word "hope" is a funny emotion that encompasses a simple, human belief that everyone has from time to time in a desired goal. When that goal seems unachievable or keeps eluding you like a long-lost relative in a dream, hope turns into it's evil twin named dread. An author I respect once said, "If you attach hope to a goal it becomes and expectation, therefore disappointment is inevitable if that expectation doesn't come to fruition."

On this journey I have learned not to put a lot of hope into every procedure, every twinge, ever day I'm late for AF,  every cycle. So I really can't remember the last time I really felt hope. It has become a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from the pain of disappointment.

Since October we've been playing a "watching and waiting" game with our cycles. My history  gives a picture of what that's about. Hope has been trying to creep in, but I haven't let it. Until the other day when I got an omen from a very unlikely place. Driving home one evening after a stressful day at work I needed to grab some dinner. I ended up at a fast food drive-thru (don't worry I ordered the healthiest thing I could :)) I gave the cashier cash for the food and in change she gave me back a 50 cent piece. I was taken by surprise, because the significance of receiving this coin has many meanings for me.

First of all 50 cent pieces are rarely seen in circulation. Second, I have seen many in my childhood, because my dad used to collect them. They were something he valued very much. The reason why I say "used to" is because my dad is in the severe stages of Alzheimer's Disease. He would no longer even recognize what a 50 cent piece is anymore much less regard it with any value. When I received this coin it felt like he was speaking to me saying, "It's going to be O.K.."

A feeling of peace washed over me and an overwhelming sense that somehow or another it IS going to be O.K.. Maybe I've let a little bit of hope back in and carry it around in a special place in my wallet and my heart right along with that 50 cent peace.