Joy of Guilt

Muddling through the everyday emotions of this uphill battle is exhausting. It really goes from day to day... moment to moment. One day I've got a little bit of hope in my pocket. The next, AF showing up unannounced on your doorstep, the birth announcement of a close friend on FB and the joy of a heartbeat on another friend's u/s from their successful first IVF just kinda steals that bit of hope as if it never existed. Of course a heaping amount of guilt comes with that stolen hope as well.

Not only do you feel like you're on a deserted island somewhere in the middle of the cold Atlantic when your hope gets stolen, guilt in the form of a large elephant sits on your chest making it difficult to breath in the appreciation of others' joy. This guilt does not come from anyone laying it on or even making comments. It comes from deep within fueled by jealousy mixed with the love you feel for your friends. You naturally want  to feel happy for your friends when they are successful in the world of fertile. In a way you do of course. But underlying jealousy seeps through tainting that true happiness. This is where the guilt comes in to top it all off. And ultimately you start to doubt yourself as a person of integrity and therefore plummet into a self-loathing pit of despair. Wanna jump off a cliff yet?  

Needless to say this has been one of those weeks where I just want to hide under the covers and stay there for awhile. I continue to function in everyday life under the guise of "just fine" but underneath isolation, self-loathing and guilt are lurking. Clouding over the joy I get from everyday little things. Like my DH's quiet attentiveness to chores at home, the cat curled up by my side keeping me company, a warm, sunny 68 degree CA winter day.   

Somehow through all of this I do still enjoy these little joys in life....I just have to work a little harder to appreciate them now and then....right now is one of those "then" weeks.