U/S #2

Sorry I didn't get to post the results right away. Got home kinda late on Tuesday and was pretty tired. Then last night our Internet decided to be lame. Booooo!

The good news is...everything went great at our second ultrasound! Everything is measuring just as it should be, the yolk sac looks good, the placenta is forming and most importantly we saw the heartbeat!!! It looked strong and beating fast at about 120. It was certainly surreal to say the least and the NP said everything looked "perfect".  The experience was much more pleasant than last time and she explained everything wonderfully.

We are 8 weeks and one day today. It's really feeling real now. We are finally starting to experience the joy of this. I'm smiling spontaneously at the thought of future planning and getting chills when I think of what's to come! Our due date is May 23rd...Mr Bag's birthday!

Although I haven't officially heard from the RE's office, the NP released me to make an appt. with my OB. It's scheduled for 11/15 which will be towards the end of 12 weeks.

Still pinching myself even though it's feeling more real everyday.

In the interest of sensitivity and logic. I'll probably be starting a new blog to focus on where this journey is headed. I'll certainly put up a link so you can follow me there if you wish. In the meantime please take whatever you want from what I've written and know that it IS possible to have success on the IF journey! I write that with caution as we still have a long way to go until May but it's a level of success none-the-less. I hope you all are well out there and don't lose hope!!! xoxo

The Waiting Game

Ahhh the waiting game. You quickly realize after getting a BFP that the waiting doesn't end with just the 2ww...you then wait for the 2nd beta...the 3rd beta...the first u/s, then the second u/s etc..etc....etc...

We are now in between the first and second u/s. Originally we were going to have the second one this Thursday, but we decided to go to a different physician. After the underwhelming response from Dr. Charming we decided to reschedule the second u/s with the lovely NP that gave me my second shot back in May. We figured good or bad news it will be much more tolerable coming from her. The other upside is that her office is an hour and a half closer to where we live.

In the meantime we wait and twiddle our thumbs. Symptom wise the following is taking place:

1) Crazy hungry ALL THE TIME!
2) Peeing just about every hour
3) Starting to have some nausea (woke up last night at 2AM and thought I was going to hurl)
4) Very tired in the afternoons and evenings
5) Super bloated and have quite a pooch (my mom is convinced there's more than one in there..eeek!)
6) With the bloating comes lots of gas much to Mr. Bags displeasure...sorry honey! : P
7) Aches and pains in the lower abdomen along with periodic groin pain
8) BBS getting bigger and achy much to Mr. Bags delight...:)

I think that about sums it up for now. Thanks for all your lovely comments and support it means so much! It's finally starting to sink in that this might be really happening...but again I don't think I'll get really excited until 12 weeks.

Ultrasound

Another hurdle cleared! The ultrasound went well. At 5 weeks and 5 days the RE found a yolk sac and a fetal pole. He said everything looks good so far. There wasn't a heartbeat yet but he said it's probabaly pretty close. We will go back next week to hear the heartbeat. It's also looking like one bean in there at this point.

The underwhelmed reaction of Dr. Charming made me a little uneasy but I think that's just him. My fav PA came out to talk with us afterwards and she mentioned that they think there was a delayed implantation which isn't a big deal but explained why the first number was on the lower side.

Overall we're stoked! Just have to get over the next hurdle. Hopefully the good news will keep on coming! Hope you all are well out there!

First u/s day

Just wanted to post a quickie on u/s day. We go in early this afternoon for our first u/s after three positive Betas (still weird to write that). I feel like this is the moment of truth. We're either REALLY pg or not. I've been feeling butterflies in my stomach off and on all week and as it's gotten closer can't help but fantasize about the outcome. Mr Bags has been really cute and asking me everyday if I'm hungry and tired. :)

Whatever the results we will survive and hopefully of course will be delighted. If dreams really do come true I hope the one I had the other night does. I dreamt that they saw the little bean in there and it was eating! (maybe because I've been eating so much :) ) Very strange indeed but a good sign I hope!

I'll update later this evening with the results....eeeeek!

Presence and Absence

Over this past week and a half we've been floating through our day still trying to wrap our brains around whether this is really happening or not. Because of the disappointments we've faced in the past we are hesitant to jump up and down yet. That's part of IF I suppose...it sort of robs you of that assured excitement; being able to POAS and run to show your DH that it worked after you've been trying for a few months; being able to just call up your OB and make an appointment for your first exam. Instead we have a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop and for someone to tell us....sorry not this time...again.

Mr Bags came up with a great analogy the other day while we were discussing our feelings about this last week and a half. He told me that what he's feeling is compared to how he felt about the Gia.nts winning the Wor.ld Series. At first he just couldn't believe it and after being so disappointed time and time again he felt like he didn't quite have the presence of joy, but there was the absence of heartbreak. Once he had some time to let it sink in and after reliving the great moments from the final games, he finally could feel that "Joy" and celebrate. He is having that same experience now accept on a MUCH bigger scale. I told him he described what I am feeling too.

Once we pass our first and second u/s; further still (hopefully) reach that 12 week mark and ultimately when hold that baby in our arms we will be able to finally experience the "joy" of this good news and celebrate all that we have been striving for in these last 4 1/2 years. By the time this baby comes it will have been 5 years. I know for some it has been longer and for some shorter...I suppose it's all relative to your situation and perspective. Where ever you are I hope your dreams of becoming a parent come true very soon and that you can find the joy in it sooner that you think...

Beta #3

Sorry I didn't get to update until now. Was kind of a crazy day yesterday. Then I worked this AM.

OK..now for the results....it doubled to 120!!!!!

The news did not come without drama though...let me elaborate. So I know I've mentioned my favorite PA. She's been the one calling me with the results the last couple of times. Well she was out of town on conference so I knew she wouldn't be calling me and she told me that her coordinating nurse would be. So I waited patiently until about 2:30 (they normally they call between 11 and 1) and called the clinic. Sounds like the fax came in, but they hadn't given it to the nurse yet. So I waited another 45 min and who calls me?...Dr. F. my stomach dropped a bit when I heard his voice. If he's calling me it can't be good. After we exchange greetings he says to me, "well here we go again."  My heart starts pounding and my stomach is now in my shoes. SHIT!

He precedes to tell me that since the PA has been following me he wasn't sure where my numbers were at so he asks me about Wed. numbers and said, "Oh, well today's was 120" and I said, "that's good right?", he said, "yeah that's fine it doubled". So then he preceded to ask me about Monday's numbers and said he told the PA that it was OK. She had told me it was in the average range. ANYWAY..all is good and I am breathing again. I think my RE is good at what he does, but damn the man needs some training in bedside manner! The only thing I could figure is that he was thinking of another patient. I'm planning on giving him some shit when I see him next! :D

The next step will be to go in for an u/s on Mon. 9/26. He said they're looking to make sure it's not ectopic and to see the gestational sack and fetal pole. Wow...can't believe I just wrote that sentence!

Still cautiously excited and I don't think we'll rest easy until 7-8 weeks from now...or even 36 weeks for that matter! Thank you so much for all your beautiful thoughts and comments! xo  

2nd beta

Quick post: Got the second beta report and it went up to 63.9!!!! Yipeee!!! Still somewhat guarded as my E2 levels were a little low so we had to bump up my dosage a little. My PA wants me to do another test this Friday. After that we'll go down for a u/s next Friday. Eeeeeek!!!

This is all so surreal and exciting. Still keeping fingers crossed that this good news continues.

Thanks again for all your lovely words of support!!

XO

10dp3dt

(oops! I made a mistake and put 12dp3dt instead of 10dt3dt in the title initially. I was thinking in terms of DPO. Sorry if that was confusing. :) )

First of all thank you all for your crossed fingers and well wishes! It means a lot and keeps me going!
This was a VERY long day for us. Mr. Bags and I decided to hear the news together so we could just be there for each other whether it was to celebrate or console. We also decided to go to our favorite ocean view park to hear the news. It couldn't have been a more perfect, beautiful day. Clear skies..sun shining....75 degrees with a lovely ocean breeze.

My favorite PA left a message on my phone around 1:30 and we waited until after we dropped our carpoolers off to listen to it. We walked over to a bench, faced the ocean and listened..."Hello, love! I would like to give you the good news in person. So you both need to call me so I can give you the very exciting good news..congratulations!" Needless to say we both began grinning from ear to ear and I cried!

So we called and of course she was with a patient so we had to wait about another 15 minutes for her to call us back. We finally connected for her to tell us that the beta is 24. I asked if that was a good number and she said it was average at this stage so I'm definitely PG!

Now that fateful second beta looms. As you know last time it didn't bring good news, but at least this time we've learned our big lesson so we're cautiously excited and waiting with bated breath until Wednesday afternoon. I think for good luck we'll go back to that beautiful place and come what may we'll at least have a gorgeous view to take in.  

9dp3dt (aka beta eve)

Here I sit pondering the events of today thinking it would just drag on. Thankfully it didn't and I got through without freaking out. Mr. Bags has been cheerful and upbeat all day and probably also thankful I remained even keeled today. :)

I spent most of the day running house errands and reflecting on remembering 9/11. We don't have cable so I relied on the radio and Internet to reflect. NPR occupied the airspace with tributes, stories and accounts of people who had lived through the Pentagon attacks. Although having to relive the events of that awful day was sad and mournful, it proved to be quite distracting from beta thoughts. I hope that doesn't sound wrong.

I am mostly mournful for all of those innocent lives lost in those senseless acts.  It made me feel very grateful for the lives Mr. Bags and I have along with friends and family that we hold dear. Whatever the outcome tomorrow and the days to come on our journey we WILL survive and will draw strength from each other.

Catch you on the flip side of beta day! Eeeeek!

Wanted to share this song...

Just wanted to share this song that I just found. It's called "Find My Way" and it's written and sung by a favorite local artist of mine. She's so talented and has a pure, beautiful voice. The words just spoke to me and I wanted to share them with all of you! Enjoy!

7dp3dt

Ahhh the 2ww..or in my case (which I'm thankful for BTW) the 10 day wait. Not as long, but just as grueling. As I recall from the last one: the first part...not so bad. Second part...with each passing day..too much! Living in the moment as much as possible is helping. Along with funny yout.ube videos friends send me and my "Friends" DVDs. :)

But then doubt sneaks in playing on my emotions. For the last four days straight I've had crampy feelings along with some pressure feelings in my groin area (however practically non-existent today). Mild back pain here and there, some fatigue, a couple of really short dizzy spells, increased hunger off and on and for the last two days increased thirst. These are all things I don't "normally" feel so how can I NOT analyze them? UGH....anyone have any suggestions?

I thank my FT friend who gave me the great tip of asking myself three things everyday.
1) What did I do well today.
2) Name 3 things I know for certain.
3) Name 3 things I am grateful for.

This has helped.. now I just have to remind myself to do it everyday!

I won't be POASing, as I think I have had too many disappointments in the past and would just rather have a certain answer after the beta.  It's going to be here fast..holding on to my hat! :)

PUPO!!! (1dp3dt)

Well I am officially PUPO!!! I called yesterday morning to check the status of the embabies and they all survived the thaw! However, only 3 out of the 5 looked good enough to transfer. 1-beautiful 8 cell and 2 slightly fragmented 7 cell embryos.


Sooo then the question of how many to transfer was the next step. As we were sitting in the exam room waiting for the doc. Mr Bags and I debated on putting in 2 or 3....he was really undecided and was mostly leaving it up to me. yikes!

Dr. F explained why 3 was the way to go and my favorite PA confirmed that it was a good strategy. Basically because of my age (thanks for reminding me :) ), because they were frozen PLUS the two that are fragmented makes the chances of SOMEBODY sticking a little higher if they all 3 went in. Does that make sense? So that's what we did. All 3 were transferred.  EEeeeep!!

Now we wait...but at least not as long as last time. Yay! We're excited and ready for this just to work! So in the mean time I'm taking full advantage of bed rest orders for the next three days and trying to stay in the moment and zen as much as possible...Oooooommmmmm! : O)

PUPOville here I come! (hopefully)

I won't know for sure how the embabies are doing until tomorrow morning. eeeep! I've noticed my heart is skipping more beats these days with anticipation and a hefty dose of anxiety too.

I'm scared. I'm scare of what's to come...of what may happen...or not happen. I had acupuncture today which helped calm me a bit. I plan on listening to some meditation tonight and on the way down to the appt.

Here's to the 2WW and PUPOville!!! I'll catch you all on the other side...Happy Friday everyone and I hope you all have lovely, relaxing three day weekends!

Next hoop cleared

Well we cleared the next hurdle and are ready for what is to come. The lining looked great on Friday and we are ready to move forward to thawing some embabies!!

We are going to start with 5 and see how they do. Depending on how they thaw and grow we will decide how many to put back the morning of the transfer. I will call that morning to see how things are looking and we'll go from there. If all looks good we'll make the trek and put back 1 or 2 if they are good quality. If they aren't looking all that great they'll keep growing them to see who makes it to blast and then transfer back 1 or 2 on day 5.

I start progesterone supps tonight along with the estrogen I'm already taking.

With all we've had going on my mind hasn't really been focusing on this cycle which can be a good thing. But I have definitely been emotionally scattered. Losing a parent is such a surreal and transforming thing. I never thought I'd be having to deal with this kind of thing until I was much older and they had chances to be grandparents.

But I can truly say I'm getting excited now that I can really see the possibility of giving my mom her first grandchild. The joy that it will bring to her life is something I can not wait to see!

The Circle of Life

Sorry I haven't updated. Reason being the day after retrieval my dad lost his battle with Alzheimer's Disease. This has been a whirlwind journey through IF in general for sure and to add that on top of it just leaves us speechless.

The good news is the retrieval went really well! We ended up getting 14 eggs!!!! This totally took us by surprise as we were thinking the most we would get would be 10 or 12. The polyp was also removed and all is well so far with that.

Here comes the "circle of life" part. Literally 35 minutes after my dad passed the clinic called to say that 10 eggs had fertilized and we have 10 frozen embryos!!! I was very moved by that news never mind my already emotional state. One life comes to a close and potentially one or two more begin. Amazing how life works isn't it?

I've since then gone for my baseline for the FET and began taking estrogen last Friday. I go in for a lining check on the 26th. If all looks good I'll start the progesterone and we'll do the transfer on 9/2. I asked the RE about how many we're going to defrost and he wanted to wait to discuss that at my next appt. I'm thinking let's start with 5 and see how it goes. Any thoughts?

Follie update

So I forgot to mention the GOOD thing about the delay in our cycle. The good thing is that we will hopefully be doing the transfer right around the same time as a good friend. So we'll be in our 2ww together! Or at least close to it. Yay!

Now for the latest follie report: It looks like I've got 12 good size follies growing, but not quite as big as the RE would like to see. They range from 14-16. So I'm going to stim tonight. Do one more Ganirelix shot tomorrow and then trigger tomorrow night. The ER will be on Thurs. along with the polyp removal. Yipeee!!!

I gotta tell ya, I'm ready for the ER. My ovaries are talking to me for sure! Overall I'm feeling pretty good just more tired than usual and achy in the abdomen.

Crossing my fingers all goes well over the next few days and my E2 levels stay where they are supposed to. Right now they're a little elevated but not too much that won't allow me to stim one more day. Yay!

A mind of its own

We went down to have our first u/s and things were looking really good. I've got 10 follies growing and all at good sizes between 10-12mm. Then the RE took a look at my lining. As soon as he began scanning I new something wasn't right. I've seen enough of the inside of my uterus to know what it should look like at this stage. Instead of a lovely straight line there was a circular form in the middle. I also knew something wasn't right when the RE made a short "hm" sound as he continued to examine the blob. He told me what he thought it was and did a sonohysterogram right there to confirm his suspicions.

So I've decided my uterus has a mind of its own and likes to F*** things up just for the fun of it. First a septum, then a phantom pregnancy and now....wait for it.....a 2cm polyp. That's right, my independent uterus has decided to grow a polyp and delay this cycle. Mr. Bags has decided to name it John Goodman. Why do you ask? It just came to him..."IVF: The musical...staring John Goodman as the polyp" winner of 47 Tony's (one for each month we've been trying)...all we can do it try to laugh at this point right? Ha!

Now for the rest of the story....so I'm continuing to stim until today and will go back down for another u/s tomorrow. At that point the RE will determine if I need to stim one more day and then when to trigger. We'll have the ER either on Wed. or Thur.. During the ER he will remove the polyp. All the eggs retrieved will be fertilized and they will do a "freeze all". After that I'll have to wait a month to heal and get my period. Then we will do an FET hopefully at the end of Aug. or early Sept.

Needless to say we were both really disappointed and thoroughly pissed at my uterus, but it was just a reminder that as much as we are trying to control this process we are NOT in control and there is a reason for this happening. There have been a couple small silver linings that have come out of this so far. One good and one not so good.

I believe I mentioned before that my father has Alzheimer's. We placed him in a facility about a month ago and he has since experienced a rapid decline. In fact I have a feeling he'll probably be leaving us within the next few weeks. So in light of the inevitable stress that is going to cause, it's prob good that I won't be in a 2ww when/if that happens.

Life forages on...as we are trying to create one...one will be ending. Ironic isn't it?

Here we go again....

As I promised, here come the updates! First off I want to send a big shout out to my FT girls. The trip back East to hook up with you ladies was amazing and I am thankful everyday for you both in my life. I had a blast getting to know you all the better, exploring the city, eating amazing food, and just plain laughing with you! I'm excited for your upcoming next steps and sending monster monkey vibes!!! : P

After returning home we hit the ground running with getting this cycle organized and moving. It was a bit stressful trying to figure out the funding and getting the meds on time, but we did it and we're here!! Had my baseline on Friday and everything was good to go. Went over the med administration with the coordinator which just about put Mr. Bags under the table, but he made it through! Although he won't have to administer anything ( no PIO shots here!) he still gets queasy even with the mention of a needle, hehe. Good thing I have an iron stomach!

I began the mini-Ganirelix shots this AM and will begin Menopur and Brevelle tomorrow. I'm a little intimidated by the "mixing" and administering, but I'm up for the challenge. This is my first time dealing with syringes and med bottles so I'm a bit of a newb at this. The trials shots were all administered with the pen which was so easy! Just dial in an shoot up! This new procedure has me screwing things on and off and drawing up water into powder and mixing and yada, yada, yada! Hope I don't screw it up!

Bottom line: we're both excited to get this process started and are hopeful once again. Belly bruises here I come!

Update

Sorry I've been MIA. Right after getting into summer break I ended up going out of town where I had limited internet access.

Currently I'm in a natural 2ww, but really just waiting for AF to come so we can get this ball rolling again. That's right...after that nightmarish cycle that just ended I'm ready to go back for more! Isn't it funny how soon you forget when your eyes are on the prize. Plus, since Mr. Baggs and I are off of work until the latter part of August we figured now is a good time to go for it. Less stress and more time to drive the 2 1/2 hours  (one-way) to the clinic back and forth! Woohooo!

Depending on when AF comes, which I'm expecting in the next few days, I'll go down for my baseline and start BCP's. I'm kind of excited about this since now I've been through it and know (for the most part) what to expect. The PA I was working closely with also commented that my body was definitely "turned on" so that's a good thing!

I'm just hoping the timing works out well so I can get my baseline before I head off to the east coast! I'll be heading out there for five days to hook up with some lovely women I met on Fertile Thoughts. We've been in contact and close for the last two years and I couldn't have gotten through these last two years without them. Can't wait to see them!

I'll keep you posted as to when I get my baseline. Hope you all are well out there! I'll be visiting soon...

xoxo, Cherm

A friend in need...

Hey,

My friend Maria over at http://missionfertilesoul.blogspot.com/ just found out she had a chemical pg with an FET. If you're not already following her please give her some support. She's a wonderfully supportive friend and an awesome blogger!

Thanks....

It's finally over

Sorry it's been so long since I posted. I work in the school system and we just got done for the summer.....yippeee!!! The two weeks before that was nutso, hence the lack of posting.

In the mean time however....I did my last two blood tests which finally yielded and HCG reading of 0.6. As of 6/7 this cycle was finally over, finis, done...ended. Although I've been waiting for this day so I can move on from this nightmare of a cycle, I had mixed feelings about it. It finally meant the whatever was left of the embryo(s) was officially gone. Our babies who had started off as something, turned into nothing. They just took a really long time to get there. Relief overruled the emotions, but a fair amount of sadness was there too.

I had a good cry and finally felt the door close on this long chapter. Now on to the next phase....but in the mean time we're going to enjoy some time with each other and let my body get back to normal (whatever that is :) ) Thanks again for all your words of support and encouragement... xo,Cherm

Finally, Justice!

Check this out!

Finally this a** of a Dr. is getting justice. I got WAY to many comments from ignorant people asking me if I was going to be like the "octomom". It was very hurtful and irritating to say least. Any of you out there have to endure comments like that through your journey?

P.S. Last Beta was at 61 and getting another tomorrow. Hopefully it will be less that half and I will only have to do two more tests including tomorrow.

Light through the trees...

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers...they helped for sure! The beta went down enough today...(still weird to say). Yay! No shot for now but still need to monitor it. I have to go back Thursday and then who knows after that. Good news today! Needed that.. :)

Still in the woods...

So remember when I asked in my last post, "What else can go wrong?"....damn murphy's law. Something did go wrong. Not the end of the world but just an extension of this already very, long, ridiculously drawn out nightmare!!!

When I posted last I had gotten a shot of Metho.trexate to help resolve things from our unsuccessful IVF. Things were looking up as my numbers were finally dropping. A week and a half later they went back up.  Therefore, I was ordered to get ANOTHER shot. Needless to say I was beside myself emotionally and couldn't even finish the day at work. Turns out I would have had to leave work anyway because I had to drive an hour and a half one-way to get the shot! I happen to live in a relatively small community where ALL of the hospitals are owned by a religious company (no offense out there) that would NOT allow this shot to be given unless I had a diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy....in which case, my doctor informed me, would be TOO LATE FOR THE SHOT!!!! How asinine is that?????? Turns out the doctor who gave it to me was a lovely, lovely women and gave me the nurturing care that I needed in that moment.

Today, two weeks later, although my levels dropped again it did not drop enough over a period of 6 days. So guess what. If it doesn't go down by a 1/3 this coming Monday I will have to get a THIRD shot. At this point I can't even begin to tell you where my head is at except that I am numb and don't even know what to say. As my DH put it, there is nothing left to say. We've screamed, cussed,whined, shaken fists, cried, wailed, gnashed teeth.... what else is there? Except to remain in limbo where my body won't let go and refuses to return to normal so we can continue this blasted journey towards our happy goal. When will that ever happen??? I wish I knew. 

IF sister in need...

If you're not already following Tippy at her blog please go give her some virtual hugs...she found out yesterday that her beta dropped two days after a positive one with an FET cycle...She's a wonderful, supportive friend and has been through the ringer.

Thanks!
Cherm

Relief on the horizon...

Last week was horrible. Well, the last 3 and a half weeks have been horrible. But last week was especially raw. Not only was our trip to Hawaii over with, but we were STILL dealing with this unresolved nightmare! I was depressed, numb, apathetic, unmotivated and worried. Was this going to threaten my health, well-being and cause further problems with fertility? On top of all that I couldn't (still can't) eat anything healthy, drink alcohol OR go in the sun. So let me get this straight...I'm still NOT pregnant and I can't even live my life normally for the next two weeks and enjoy the things that make me feel normal?! Sheesh what ELSE can go wrong? Wait....don't answer that.

This week I am finally seeing some kind of light at the end of this long, torturous tunnel. Monday, the beta finally dropped...still weird to say that. This means that my body is finally letting this go and beginning to return back to normal. The way I see it, the sooner it returns back to normal, the sooner we can move on, officially grieve this thing and figure out our next plan on action. As of May 10th it will be TWO months since we started this IVF process with nothing to show for it. Two months wasted. I am 36 and there is no time to lose!

To quote an expert blogger in the world of IF this experience is a "dark cloud with a silver lining". Meaning the fact that I was pregnant is a good sign that something did implant. The doctor said that as well. As I'm finally beginning to come back to the world of the living I'm seeing a glimmer of this silver lining and hoping our next try, what ever that may look like, will turn into gold.    

In the mean time I get to keep going to the pokey people (and not in a good way) to give more samples of my life essence so they can analyze it. Arm band, needle, gauze and band aid, here I come

Update (ectopic & miscarriage ment.)

I can't thank you all enough for the comments you left on my last post. They helped very much and my heart aches for all of you fighting this IF battle. It feels like war sometimes. Like you're fighting a invisible enemy that constantly has the upper hand. That's where I'm at right now.

I haven't posted since that day, a dreadful two weeks ago, because in the midst of this war I was able to go on vacation to Hawaii and try and "get away" from it all. Alas it followed me anyway. I also just needed to take a break from it, as much as we tried.  We still enjoyed our time there and welcomed the warm climate and change of scenery.

Where we are now, in my wildest nightmares, is NEVER where I thought we'd be. That's what's funny about the "journey" or "war" or whatever you want to call this roller coaster of hell; it takes a turn or loop-de-loop that takes you by surprise when you least expect it.

I'll try to keep this concise, but it's hard to do when this has been continuing to drag out for the last two weeks. In short: I've had four more betas which all showed a slow rise. They continued to tell me that the pregnancy was STILL not viable and that it was a chemical possibly turning into an ectopic. One ER visit (not by choice) a u/s, a 6 hour (roundtrip) drive to my RE's office yesterday for another u/s and one Metho.trexate shot later. I still haven't miscarried this pregnancy. It's gotten to the point of absurd and comical.

We have been sad, screamed, cried, apathetic, solitary and now I think just numb. All we can hope for now is for the numbers to go down (weird to say) without having to get another shot or have it effect my health. In the meantime I can not drink, eat healthy (have to stay away from folic acid) or be exposed to the sun...for two weeks. Even as I write this I feel like this is someone else's life right now, not mine.

This is unbelievable.

This just friggin blows.

False alarm

It turned out to be a chemical....we're devastated and grieving. Don't know where to go from here except to just be sad and grieve. This is worse that the last 3 years and 9 months combined. I've never been pregnant in all that time and for a brief beautiful four days I was. Now it's gone and so are all our dreams....

Where do we go from here? I can't even begin to think about that now ...and I don't want to.

A dream come true…with a catch

First of all thank you so much for all the shout outs and words of support! You ladies Rock!! I feel a little funny about this post because I am new to the IF blogging world (albeit not new to IF). Those of us who know this journey well are familiar with the hefty amount of guilt that comes with it. As referenced in my second blog! The guilt I feel comes from the great news we got at our appointment. As I’m sure you guessed by now…it worked!!! The guilt about this post comes from the fact that not only have I just begun blogging about our IF journey and now we’ve found success, but I feel guilty for making my sisters out there on this journey too feel sad…..I can’t help it. That’s just me.

It’s such an oxymoron. Although we all have the same goal and are so excited when someone who has struggled just like us has found success, there’s just a small voice inside that says, “Gosh I wish that were me”. I know this feeling well because it has happened to me three times in the last six months. Although I was very happy for those people, it was still hard to hear. So for you sisters out there…I’m sorry….and am sending you big virtual hugs.

So about the “catch” part. The HPT that I did in the clinic was a faint line, but so was the sample so they of course did the beta, which came back at 100.9. They want me to go back in on Monday to test again to make sure the numbers are rising. The other catch is that I’m still bleeding. (Sorry if TMI) At first it was spotty and dark. Today it was a bit heavier (like a light to medium flow) and toward the afternoon became brighter in color. I called the doc on-call and he said to stop taking the low dose Aspirin and just wait until Monday. There’s nothing they can do now and since there’s no pain. He didn’t seem to be that concerned about it.

You could say we’re extremely excited, but cautiously so. Honestly, I’m still in shock and it feels totally surreal.  I wasn’t prepared for this at all!! I was bracing for a BFN and got the “good kind” of reality. I’ll keep you posted…  

  

The time is now

Well it's here. The day we've been anticipating for two weeks, The moment of truth. Did it? or Didn't it work? Through a myriad of emotions and symptoms I am at a complete loss as to know whether or not I am indeed pregnant.  We will know for sure come tomorrow morning. YIKES!!

I am just so scared at getting the dreaded BFN, but at least we will know. This "unknowing" is torture. Even more torturous; trying to figure out if the bright red spotting I started having this evening is AF or a "mock" period coming through a pregnancy. My hopeful side is wanting oh so badly to be just a "mock" thing. My realistic, pessimistic side is saying, "It's AF dumbass why the F*** would it work for you this time? Get real!!!" So obviously I'm rooting for the former and just hope Mr. Bags doesn't have to pick up the messy pieces of me again after yet another failed attempt at trying to become parents.

Guess we're really out of la la land now.....reality...here we come.  Hopefully it's the good kind.  

2WW=(fill in blank)

Some call it dreaded.....some call it hell......I call it surreal, agonizing, maddening, joyful, hopeful, desperate.....a mixed bag perhaps?

Although we've been through the 2WW many times before, this is the first time going through an IVF 2WW. What have I been doing the last two weeks you ask? Donating my body to science so that we can  become pregnant through the most advanced ART available in this world of IF. I honestly freaked out at the thought of having to go through this the very first time I was told this might be our only way. We're talking hysterical sobbing, nervous break-down, full-on drama fest.  Eventually, I got over it when I realized this just might be our only chance to have a biological child. I got over because I didn't want to go through life with regrets if we didn't at least try it once.

This is where the "donating my body to science" part comes in. The other part about the freak out had to do with the financial obligations of doing an IVF cycle. So when we were faced with either adoption (which is a VERY honorable way to grow your family) or IVF, I went into research mode to find a way we could do IVF with little or no financial obligation. With the help of a close friend, I found one!

Long story short....(I know, too late). That's what I've been doing the last two weeks. I started the process on  March 11th. The ER was on March 21st and we transferred back two embryos on March 24th. Five days into the 2WW and I haven't lost it (completely)...... yet.

This whole journey is one giant roller coaster, but this wait is it's own fun, twisty, turny roller coaster in and of itself. Mr. Bags (my DH) has been amazing through it all and continues to be my rock. I couldn't have done it without him....literally. :)

Hope and 50 cent pieces

I know, I know....I blast onto the blog scene and then disappear. Well I have to be honest I can be inconsistent sometimes, but I will try to set myself a small goal of posting at least every couple of weeks.

You're especially going to be surprised when I tell you what I've been doing that last few weeks. But I digress. That will come in the next post to follow.

The word "hope" is a funny emotion that encompasses a simple, human belief that everyone has from time to time in a desired goal. When that goal seems unachievable or keeps eluding you like a long-lost relative in a dream, hope turns into it's evil twin named dread. An author I respect once said, "If you attach hope to a goal it becomes and expectation, therefore disappointment is inevitable if that expectation doesn't come to fruition."

On this journey I have learned not to put a lot of hope into every procedure, every twinge, ever day I'm late for AF,  every cycle. So I really can't remember the last time I really felt hope. It has become a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from the pain of disappointment.

Since October we've been playing a "watching and waiting" game with our cycles. My history  gives a picture of what that's about. Hope has been trying to creep in, but I haven't let it. Until the other day when I got an omen from a very unlikely place. Driving home one evening after a stressful day at work I needed to grab some dinner. I ended up at a fast food drive-thru (don't worry I ordered the healthiest thing I could :)) I gave the cashier cash for the food and in change she gave me back a 50 cent piece. I was taken by surprise, because the significance of receiving this coin has many meanings for me.

Joy of Guilt

Muddling through the everyday emotions of this uphill battle is exhausting. It really goes from day to day... moment to moment. One day I've got a little bit of hope in my pocket. The next, AF showing up unannounced on your doorstep, the birth announcement of a close friend on FB and the joy of a heartbeat on another friend's u/s from their successful first IVF just kinda steals that bit of hope as if it never existed. Of course a heaping amount of guilt comes with that stolen hope as well.

Not only do you feel like you're on a deserted island somewhere in the middle of the cold Atlantic when your hope gets stolen, guilt in the form of a large elephant sits on your chest making it difficult to breath in the appreciation of others' joy. This guilt does not come from anyone laying it on or even making comments. It comes from deep within fueled by jealousy mixed with the love you feel for your friends. You naturally want  to feel happy for your friends when they are successful in the world of fertile. In a way you do of course. But underlying jealousy seeps through tainting that true happiness. This is where the guilt comes in to top it all off. And ultimately you start to doubt yourself as a person of integrity and therefore plummet into a self-loathing pit of despair. Wanna jump off a cliff yet?  

Needless to say this has been one of those weeks where I just want to hide under the covers and stay there for awhile. I continue to function in everyday life under the guise of "just fine" but underneath isolation, self-loathing and guilt are lurking. Clouding over the joy I get from everyday little things. Like my DH's quiet attentiveness to chores at home, the cat curled up by my side keeping me company, a warm, sunny 68 degree CA winter day.   

Somehow through all of this I do still enjoy these little joys in life....I just have to work a little harder to appreciate them now and then....right now is one of those "then" weeks. 

The Plunge

After thinking about plunging myself into the blogosphere for years I've finally taken the leap. I've been very intimidated by this process as I have several friends whom are accomplished, witty bloggers and felt I couldn't even hold up a candle! Plus the perfectionist in me has a fear of having virtual rotten tomatoes thrown at my head. But, alas I realized this isn't a writer's convention. This is about putting my thoughts and emotions down into words and posting it into cyberspace to relieve my brain of it all.

The fueling fire behind this started three and a half years ago when my husband and I decided to grow our family. Little did we know this "minor" life decision would start us off into an unknown journey that feels like it will NEVER end!

I can't even begin to describe (and wouldn't bore you with) the details except that we have learned a tremendous amount about ourselves, our bodies and the miracle that is conceiving a child. I suppose over time I'll give you the details, but in small doses so as not to run you off immediately.

The many ironies of this journey hit me up side the head way to often, which is one of the many reasons why I felt the need to begin this writing adventure. More....probably many more posts on that later.

For now I just want to begin this healing process and write whatever comes to mind. So here goes....blog world, watch out!