Light through the trees...

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers...they helped for sure! The beta went down enough today...(still weird to say). Yay! No shot for now but still need to monitor it. I have to go back Thursday and then who knows after that. Good news today! Needed that.. :)

Still in the woods...

So remember when I asked in my last post, "What else can go wrong?"....damn murphy's law. Something did go wrong. Not the end of the world but just an extension of this already very, long, ridiculously drawn out nightmare!!!

When I posted last I had gotten a shot of Metho.trexate to help resolve things from our unsuccessful IVF. Things were looking up as my numbers were finally dropping. A week and a half later they went back up.  Therefore, I was ordered to get ANOTHER shot. Needless to say I was beside myself emotionally and couldn't even finish the day at work. Turns out I would have had to leave work anyway because I had to drive an hour and a half one-way to get the shot! I happen to live in a relatively small community where ALL of the hospitals are owned by a religious company (no offense out there) that would NOT allow this shot to be given unless I had a diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy....in which case, my doctor informed me, would be TOO LATE FOR THE SHOT!!!! How asinine is that?????? Turns out the doctor who gave it to me was a lovely, lovely women and gave me the nurturing care that I needed in that moment.

Today, two weeks later, although my levels dropped again it did not drop enough over a period of 6 days. So guess what. If it doesn't go down by a 1/3 this coming Monday I will have to get a THIRD shot. At this point I can't even begin to tell you where my head is at except that I am numb and don't even know what to say. As my DH put it, there is nothing left to say. We've screamed, cussed,whined, shaken fists, cried, wailed, gnashed teeth.... what else is there? Except to remain in limbo where my body won't let go and refuses to return to normal so we can continue this blasted journey towards our happy goal. When will that ever happen??? I wish I knew. 

IF sister in need...

If you're not already following Tippy at her blog please go give her some virtual hugs...she found out yesterday that her beta dropped two days after a positive one with an FET cycle...She's a wonderful, supportive friend and has been through the ringer.

Thanks!
Cherm

Relief on the horizon...

Last week was horrible. Well, the last 3 and a half weeks have been horrible. But last week was especially raw. Not only was our trip to Hawaii over with, but we were STILL dealing with this unresolved nightmare! I was depressed, numb, apathetic, unmotivated and worried. Was this going to threaten my health, well-being and cause further problems with fertility? On top of all that I couldn't (still can't) eat anything healthy, drink alcohol OR go in the sun. So let me get this straight...I'm still NOT pregnant and I can't even live my life normally for the next two weeks and enjoy the things that make me feel normal?! Sheesh what ELSE can go wrong? Wait....don't answer that.

This week I am finally seeing some kind of light at the end of this long, torturous tunnel. Monday, the beta finally dropped...still weird to say that. This means that my body is finally letting this go and beginning to return back to normal. The way I see it, the sooner it returns back to normal, the sooner we can move on, officially grieve this thing and figure out our next plan on action. As of May 10th it will be TWO months since we started this IVF process with nothing to show for it. Two months wasted. I am 36 and there is no time to lose!

To quote an expert blogger in the world of IF this experience is a "dark cloud with a silver lining". Meaning the fact that I was pregnant is a good sign that something did implant. The doctor said that as well. As I'm finally beginning to come back to the world of the living I'm seeing a glimmer of this silver lining and hoping our next try, what ever that may look like, will turn into gold.    

In the mean time I get to keep going to the pokey people (and not in a good way) to give more samples of my life essence so they can analyze it. Arm band, needle, gauze and band aid, here I come