Update (ectopic & miscarriage ment.)

I can't thank you all enough for the comments you left on my last post. They helped very much and my heart aches for all of you fighting this IF battle. It feels like war sometimes. Like you're fighting a invisible enemy that constantly has the upper hand. That's where I'm at right now.

I haven't posted since that day, a dreadful two weeks ago, because in the midst of this war I was able to go on vacation to Hawaii and try and "get away" from it all. Alas it followed me anyway. I also just needed to take a break from it, as much as we tried.  We still enjoyed our time there and welcomed the warm climate and change of scenery.

Where we are now, in my wildest nightmares, is NEVER where I thought we'd be. That's what's funny about the "journey" or "war" or whatever you want to call this roller coaster of hell; it takes a turn or loop-de-loop that takes you by surprise when you least expect it.

I'll try to keep this concise, but it's hard to do when this has been continuing to drag out for the last two weeks. In short: I've had four more betas which all showed a slow rise. They continued to tell me that the pregnancy was STILL not viable and that it was a chemical possibly turning into an ectopic. One ER visit (not by choice) a u/s, a 6 hour (roundtrip) drive to my RE's office yesterday for another u/s and one Metho.trexate shot later. I still haven't miscarried this pregnancy. It's gotten to the point of absurd and comical.

We have been sad, screamed, cried, apathetic, solitary and now I think just numb. All we can hope for now is for the numbers to go down (weird to say) without having to get another shot or have it effect my health. In the meantime I can not drink, eat healthy (have to stay away from folic acid) or be exposed to the sun...for two weeks. Even as I write this I feel like this is someone else's life right now, not mine.

This is unbelievable.

This just friggin blows.

False alarm

It turned out to be a chemical....we're devastated and grieving. Don't know where to go from here except to just be sad and grieve. This is worse that the last 3 years and 9 months combined. I've never been pregnant in all that time and for a brief beautiful four days I was. Now it's gone and so are all our dreams....

Where do we go from here? I can't even begin to think about that now ...and I don't want to.

A dream come true…with a catch

First of all thank you so much for all the shout outs and words of support! You ladies Rock!! I feel a little funny about this post because I am new to the IF blogging world (albeit not new to IF). Those of us who know this journey well are familiar with the hefty amount of guilt that comes with it. As referenced in my second blog! The guilt I feel comes from the great news we got at our appointment. As I’m sure you guessed by now…it worked!!! The guilt about this post comes from the fact that not only have I just begun blogging about our IF journey and now we’ve found success, but I feel guilty for making my sisters out there on this journey too feel sad…..I can’t help it. That’s just me.

It’s such an oxymoron. Although we all have the same goal and are so excited when someone who has struggled just like us has found success, there’s just a small voice inside that says, “Gosh I wish that were me”. I know this feeling well because it has happened to me three times in the last six months. Although I was very happy for those people, it was still hard to hear. So for you sisters out there…I’m sorry….and am sending you big virtual hugs.

So about the “catch” part. The HPT that I did in the clinic was a faint line, but so was the sample so they of course did the beta, which came back at 100.9. They want me to go back in on Monday to test again to make sure the numbers are rising. The other catch is that I’m still bleeding. (Sorry if TMI) At first it was spotty and dark. Today it was a bit heavier (like a light to medium flow) and toward the afternoon became brighter in color. I called the doc on-call and he said to stop taking the low dose Aspirin and just wait until Monday. There’s nothing they can do now and since there’s no pain. He didn’t seem to be that concerned about it.

You could say we’re extremely excited, but cautiously so. Honestly, I’m still in shock and it feels totally surreal.  I wasn’t prepared for this at all!! I was bracing for a BFN and got the “good kind” of reality. I’ll keep you posted…  

  

The time is now

Well it's here. The day we've been anticipating for two weeks, The moment of truth. Did it? or Didn't it work? Through a myriad of emotions and symptoms I am at a complete loss as to know whether or not I am indeed pregnant.  We will know for sure come tomorrow morning. YIKES!!

I am just so scared at getting the dreaded BFN, but at least we will know. This "unknowing" is torture. Even more torturous; trying to figure out if the bright red spotting I started having this evening is AF or a "mock" period coming through a pregnancy. My hopeful side is wanting oh so badly to be just a "mock" thing. My realistic, pessimistic side is saying, "It's AF dumbass why the F*** would it work for you this time? Get real!!!" So obviously I'm rooting for the former and just hope Mr. Bags doesn't have to pick up the messy pieces of me again after yet another failed attempt at trying to become parents.

Guess we're really out of la la land now.....reality...here we come.  Hopefully it's the good kind.