Update (ectopic & miscarriage ment.)

I can't thank you all enough for the comments you left on my last post. They helped very much and my heart aches for all of you fighting this IF battle. It feels like war sometimes. Like you're fighting a invisible enemy that constantly has the upper hand. That's where I'm at right now.

I haven't posted since that day, a dreadful two weeks ago, because in the midst of this war I was able to go on vacation to Hawaii and try and "get away" from it all. Alas it followed me anyway. I also just needed to take a break from it, as much as we tried.  We still enjoyed our time there and welcomed the warm climate and change of scenery.

Where we are now, in my wildest nightmares, is NEVER where I thought we'd be. That's what's funny about the "journey" or "war" or whatever you want to call this roller coaster of hell; it takes a turn or loop-de-loop that takes you by surprise when you least expect it.

I'll try to keep this concise, but it's hard to do when this has been continuing to drag out for the last two weeks. In short: I've had four more betas which all showed a slow rise. They continued to tell me that the pregnancy was STILL not viable and that it was a chemical possibly turning into an ectopic. One ER visit (not by choice) a u/s, a 6 hour (roundtrip) drive to my RE's office yesterday for another u/s and one Metho.trexate shot later. I still haven't miscarried this pregnancy. It's gotten to the point of absurd and comical.

We have been sad, screamed, cried, apathetic, solitary and now I think just numb. All we can hope for now is for the numbers to go down (weird to say) without having to get another shot or have it effect my health. In the meantime I can not drink, eat healthy (have to stay away from folic acid) or be exposed to the sun...for two weeks. Even as I write this I feel like this is someone else's life right now, not mine.

This is unbelievable.

This just friggin blows.