2WW=(fill in blank)

Some call it dreaded.....some call it hell......I call it surreal, agonizing, maddening, joyful, hopeful, desperate.....a mixed bag perhaps?

Although we've been through the 2WW many times before, this is the first time going through an IVF 2WW. What have I been doing the last two weeks you ask? Donating my body to science so that we can  become pregnant through the most advanced ART available in this world of IF. I honestly freaked out at the thought of having to go through this the very first time I was told this might be our only way. We're talking hysterical sobbing, nervous break-down, full-on drama fest.  Eventually, I got over it when I realized this just might be our only chance to have a biological child. I got over because I didn't want to go through life with regrets if we didn't at least try it once.

This is where the "donating my body to science" part comes in. The other part about the freak out had to do with the financial obligations of doing an IVF cycle. So when we were faced with either adoption (which is a VERY honorable way to grow your family) or IVF, I went into research mode to find a way we could do IVF with little or no financial obligation. With the help of a close friend, I found one!

Long story short....(I know, too late). That's what I've been doing the last two weeks. I started the process on  March 11th. The ER was on March 21st and we transferred back two embryos on March 24th. Five days into the 2WW and I haven't lost it (completely)...... yet.

This whole journey is one giant roller coaster, but this wait is it's own fun, twisty, turny roller coaster in and of itself. Mr. Bags (my DH) has been amazing through it all and continues to be my rock. I couldn't have done it without him....literally. :)

Hope and 50 cent pieces

I know, I know....I blast onto the blog scene and then disappear. Well I have to be honest I can be inconsistent sometimes, but I will try to set myself a small goal of posting at least every couple of weeks.

You're especially going to be surprised when I tell you what I've been doing that last few weeks. But I digress. That will come in the next post to follow.

The word "hope" is a funny emotion that encompasses a simple, human belief that everyone has from time to time in a desired goal. When that goal seems unachievable or keeps eluding you like a long-lost relative in a dream, hope turns into it's evil twin named dread. An author I respect once said, "If you attach hope to a goal it becomes and expectation, therefore disappointment is inevitable if that expectation doesn't come to fruition."

On this journey I have learned not to put a lot of hope into every procedure, every twinge, ever day I'm late for AF,  every cycle. So I really can't remember the last time I really felt hope. It has become a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from the pain of disappointment.

Since October we've been playing a "watching and waiting" game with our cycles. My history  gives a picture of what that's about. Hope has been trying to creep in, but I haven't let it. Until the other day when I got an omen from a very unlikely place. Driving home one evening after a stressful day at work I needed to grab some dinner. I ended up at a fast food drive-thru (don't worry I ordered the healthiest thing I could :)) I gave the cashier cash for the food and in change she gave me back a 50 cent piece. I was taken by surprise, because the significance of receiving this coin has many meanings for me.

Joy of Guilt

Muddling through the everyday emotions of this uphill battle is exhausting. It really goes from day to day... moment to moment. One day I've got a little bit of hope in my pocket. The next, AF showing up unannounced on your doorstep, the birth announcement of a close friend on FB and the joy of a heartbeat on another friend's u/s from their successful first IVF just kinda steals that bit of hope as if it never existed. Of course a heaping amount of guilt comes with that stolen hope as well.

Not only do you feel like you're on a deserted island somewhere in the middle of the cold Atlantic when your hope gets stolen, guilt in the form of a large elephant sits on your chest making it difficult to breath in the appreciation of others' joy. This guilt does not come from anyone laying it on or even making comments. It comes from deep within fueled by jealousy mixed with the love you feel for your friends. You naturally want  to feel happy for your friends when they are successful in the world of fertile. In a way you do of course. But underlying jealousy seeps through tainting that true happiness. This is where the guilt comes in to top it all off. And ultimately you start to doubt yourself as a person of integrity and therefore plummet into a self-loathing pit of despair. Wanna jump off a cliff yet?  

Needless to say this has been one of those weeks where I just want to hide under the covers and stay there for awhile. I continue to function in everyday life under the guise of "just fine" but underneath isolation, self-loathing and guilt are lurking. Clouding over the joy I get from everyday little things. Like my DH's quiet attentiveness to chores at home, the cat curled up by my side keeping me company, a warm, sunny 68 degree CA winter day.   

Somehow through all of this I do still enjoy these little joys in life....I just have to work a little harder to appreciate them now and then....right now is one of those "then" weeks. 

The Plunge

After thinking about plunging myself into the blogosphere for years I've finally taken the leap. I've been very intimidated by this process as I have several friends whom are accomplished, witty bloggers and felt I couldn't even hold up a candle! Plus the perfectionist in me has a fear of having virtual rotten tomatoes thrown at my head. But, alas I realized this isn't a writer's convention. This is about putting my thoughts and emotions down into words and posting it into cyberspace to relieve my brain of it all.

The fueling fire behind this started three and a half years ago when my husband and I decided to grow our family. Little did we know this "minor" life decision would start us off into an unknown journey that feels like it will NEVER end!

I can't even begin to describe (and wouldn't bore you with) the details except that we have learned a tremendous amount about ourselves, our bodies and the miracle that is conceiving a child. I suppose over time I'll give you the details, but in small doses so as not to run you off immediately.

The many ironies of this journey hit me up side the head way to often, which is one of the many reasons why I felt the need to begin this writing adventure. More....probably many more posts on that later.

For now I just want to begin this healing process and write whatever comes to mind. So here goes....blog world, watch out!