Update (ectopic & miscarriage ment.)

I can't thank you all enough for the comments you left on my last post. They helped very much and my heart aches for all of you fighting this IF battle. It feels like war sometimes. Like you're fighting a invisible enemy that constantly has the upper hand. That's where I'm at right now.

I haven't posted since that day, a dreadful two weeks ago, because in the midst of this war I was able to go on vacation to Hawaii and try and "get away" from it all. Alas it followed me anyway. I also just needed to take a break from it, as much as we tried.  We still enjoyed our time there and welcomed the warm climate and change of scenery.

Where we are now, in my wildest nightmares, is NEVER where I thought we'd be. That's what's funny about the "journey" or "war" or whatever you want to call this roller coaster of hell; it takes a turn or loop-de-loop that takes you by surprise when you least expect it.

I'll try to keep this concise, but it's hard to do when this has been continuing to drag out for the last two weeks. In short: I've had four more betas which all showed a slow rise. They continued to tell me that the pregnancy was STILL not viable and that it was a chemical possibly turning into an ectopic. One ER visit (not by choice) a u/s, a 6 hour (roundtrip) drive to my RE's office yesterday for another u/s and one Metho.trexate shot later. I still haven't miscarried this pregnancy. It's gotten to the point of absurd and comical.

We have been sad, screamed, cried, apathetic, solitary and now I think just numb. All we can hope for now is for the numbers to go down (weird to say) without having to get another shot or have it effect my health. In the meantime I can not drink, eat healthy (have to stay away from folic acid) or be exposed to the sun...for two weeks. Even as I write this I feel like this is someone else's life right now, not mine.

This is unbelievable.

This just friggin blows.

False alarm

It turned out to be a chemical....we're devastated and grieving. Don't know where to go from here except to just be sad and grieve. This is worse that the last 3 years and 9 months combined. I've never been pregnant in all that time and for a brief beautiful four days I was. Now it's gone and so are all our dreams....

Where do we go from here? I can't even begin to think about that now ...and I don't want to.

A dream come true…with a catch

First of all thank you so much for all the shout outs and words of support! You ladies Rock!! I feel a little funny about this post because I am new to the IF blogging world (albeit not new to IF). Those of us who know this journey well are familiar with the hefty amount of guilt that comes with it. As referenced in my second blog! The guilt I feel comes from the great news we got at our appointment. As I’m sure you guessed by now…it worked!!! The guilt about this post comes from the fact that not only have I just begun blogging about our IF journey and now we’ve found success, but I feel guilty for making my sisters out there on this journey too feel sad…..I can’t help it. That’s just me.

It’s such an oxymoron. Although we all have the same goal and are so excited when someone who has struggled just like us has found success, there’s just a small voice inside that says, “Gosh I wish that were me”. I know this feeling well because it has happened to me three times in the last six months. Although I was very happy for those people, it was still hard to hear. So for you sisters out there…I’m sorry….and am sending you big virtual hugs.

So about the “catch” part. The HPT that I did in the clinic was a faint line, but so was the sample so they of course did the beta, which came back at 100.9. They want me to go back in on Monday to test again to make sure the numbers are rising. The other catch is that I’m still bleeding. (Sorry if TMI) At first it was spotty and dark. Today it was a bit heavier (like a light to medium flow) and toward the afternoon became brighter in color. I called the doc on-call and he said to stop taking the low dose Aspirin and just wait until Monday. There’s nothing they can do now and since there’s no pain. He didn’t seem to be that concerned about it.

You could say we’re extremely excited, but cautiously so. Honestly, I’m still in shock and it feels totally surreal.  I wasn’t prepared for this at all!! I was bracing for a BFN and got the “good kind” of reality. I’ll keep you posted…  

  

The time is now

Well it's here. The day we've been anticipating for two weeks, The moment of truth. Did it? or Didn't it work? Through a myriad of emotions and symptoms I am at a complete loss as to know whether or not I am indeed pregnant.  We will know for sure come tomorrow morning. YIKES!!

I am just so scared at getting the dreaded BFN, but at least we will know. This "unknowing" is torture. Even more torturous; trying to figure out if the bright red spotting I started having this evening is AF or a "mock" period coming through a pregnancy. My hopeful side is wanting oh so badly to be just a "mock" thing. My realistic, pessimistic side is saying, "It's AF dumbass why the F*** would it work for you this time? Get real!!!" So obviously I'm rooting for the former and just hope Mr. Bags doesn't have to pick up the messy pieces of me again after yet another failed attempt at trying to become parents.

Guess we're really out of la la land now.....reality...here we come.  Hopefully it's the good kind.  

2WW=(fill in blank)

Some call it dreaded.....some call it hell......I call it surreal, agonizing, maddening, joyful, hopeful, desperate.....a mixed bag perhaps?

Although we've been through the 2WW many times before, this is the first time going through an IVF 2WW. What have I been doing the last two weeks you ask? Donating my body to science so that we can  become pregnant through the most advanced ART available in this world of IF. I honestly freaked out at the thought of having to go through this the very first time I was told this might be our only way. We're talking hysterical sobbing, nervous break-down, full-on drama fest.  Eventually, I got over it when I realized this just might be our only chance to have a biological child. I got over because I didn't want to go through life with regrets if we didn't at least try it once.

This is where the "donating my body to science" part comes in. The other part about the freak out had to do with the financial obligations of doing an IVF cycle. So when we were faced with either adoption (which is a VERY honorable way to grow your family) or IVF, I went into research mode to find a way we could do IVF with little or no financial obligation. With the help of a close friend, I found one!

Long story short....(I know, too late). That's what I've been doing the last two weeks. I started the process on  March 11th. The ER was on March 21st and we transferred back two embryos on March 24th. Five days into the 2WW and I haven't lost it (completely)...... yet.

This whole journey is one giant roller coaster, but this wait is it's own fun, twisty, turny roller coaster in and of itself. Mr. Bags (my DH) has been amazing through it all and continues to be my rock. I couldn't have done it without him....literally. :)

Hope and 50 cent pieces

I know, I know....I blast onto the blog scene and then disappear. Well I have to be honest I can be inconsistent sometimes, but I will try to set myself a small goal of posting at least every couple of weeks.

You're especially going to be surprised when I tell you what I've been doing that last few weeks. But I digress. That will come in the next post to follow.

The word "hope" is a funny emotion that encompasses a simple, human belief that everyone has from time to time in a desired goal. When that goal seems unachievable or keeps eluding you like a long-lost relative in a dream, hope turns into it's evil twin named dread. An author I respect once said, "If you attach hope to a goal it becomes and expectation, therefore disappointment is inevitable if that expectation doesn't come to fruition."

On this journey I have learned not to put a lot of hope into every procedure, every twinge, ever day I'm late for AF,  every cycle. So I really can't remember the last time I really felt hope. It has become a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from the pain of disappointment.

Since October we've been playing a "watching and waiting" game with our cycles. My history  gives a picture of what that's about. Hope has been trying to creep in, but I haven't let it. Until the other day when I got an omen from a very unlikely place. Driving home one evening after a stressful day at work I needed to grab some dinner. I ended up at a fast food drive-thru (don't worry I ordered the healthiest thing I could :)) I gave the cashier cash for the food and in change she gave me back a 50 cent piece. I was taken by surprise, because the significance of receiving this coin has many meanings for me.

Joy of Guilt

Muddling through the everyday emotions of this uphill battle is exhausting. It really goes from day to day... moment to moment. One day I've got a little bit of hope in my pocket. The next, AF showing up unannounced on your doorstep, the birth announcement of a close friend on FB and the joy of a heartbeat on another friend's u/s from their successful first IVF just kinda steals that bit of hope as if it never existed. Of course a heaping amount of guilt comes with that stolen hope as well.

Not only do you feel like you're on a deserted island somewhere in the middle of the cold Atlantic when your hope gets stolen, guilt in the form of a large elephant sits on your chest making it difficult to breath in the appreciation of others' joy. This guilt does not come from anyone laying it on or even making comments. It comes from deep within fueled by jealousy mixed with the love you feel for your friends. You naturally want  to feel happy for your friends when they are successful in the world of fertile. In a way you do of course. But underlying jealousy seeps through tainting that true happiness. This is where the guilt comes in to top it all off. And ultimately you start to doubt yourself as a person of integrity and therefore plummet into a self-loathing pit of despair. Wanna jump off a cliff yet?  

Needless to say this has been one of those weeks where I just want to hide under the covers and stay there for awhile. I continue to function in everyday life under the guise of "just fine" but underneath isolation, self-loathing and guilt are lurking. Clouding over the joy I get from everyday little things. Like my DH's quiet attentiveness to chores at home, the cat curled up by my side keeping me company, a warm, sunny 68 degree CA winter day.   

Somehow through all of this I do still enjoy these little joys in life....I just have to work a little harder to appreciate them now and then....right now is one of those "then" weeks.