Light through the trees...

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers...they helped for sure! The beta went down enough today...(still weird to say). Yay! No shot for now but still need to monitor it. I have to go back Thursday and then who knows after that. Good news today! Needed that.. :)

Still in the woods...

So remember when I asked in my last post, "What else can go wrong?"....damn murphy's law. Something did go wrong. Not the end of the world but just an extension of this already very, long, ridiculously drawn out nightmare!!!

When I posted last I had gotten a shot of Metho.trexate to help resolve things from our unsuccessful IVF. Things were looking up as my numbers were finally dropping. A week and a half later they went back up.  Therefore, I was ordered to get ANOTHER shot. Needless to say I was beside myself emotionally and couldn't even finish the day at work. Turns out I would have had to leave work anyway because I had to drive an hour and a half one-way to get the shot! I happen to live in a relatively small community where ALL of the hospitals are owned by a religious company (no offense out there) that would NOT allow this shot to be given unless I had a diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy....in which case, my doctor informed me, would be TOO LATE FOR THE SHOT!!!! How asinine is that?????? Turns out the doctor who gave it to me was a lovely, lovely women and gave me the nurturing care that I needed in that moment.

Today, two weeks later, although my levels dropped again it did not drop enough over a period of 6 days. So guess what. If it doesn't go down by a 1/3 this coming Monday I will have to get a THIRD shot. At this point I can't even begin to tell you where my head is at except that I am numb and don't even know what to say. As my DH put it, there is nothing left to say. We've screamed, cussed,whined, shaken fists, cried, wailed, gnashed teeth.... what else is there? Except to remain in limbo where my body won't let go and refuses to return to normal so we can continue this blasted journey towards our happy goal. When will that ever happen??? I wish I knew. 

IF sister in need...

If you're not already following Tippy at her blog please go give her some virtual hugs...she found out yesterday that her beta dropped two days after a positive one with an FET cycle...She's a wonderful, supportive friend and has been through the ringer.

Thanks!
Cherm

Relief on the horizon...

Last week was horrible. Well, the last 3 and a half weeks have been horrible. But last week was especially raw. Not only was our trip to Hawaii over with, but we were STILL dealing with this unresolved nightmare! I was depressed, numb, apathetic, unmotivated and worried. Was this going to threaten my health, well-being and cause further problems with fertility? On top of all that I couldn't (still can't) eat anything healthy, drink alcohol OR go in the sun. So let me get this straight...I'm still NOT pregnant and I can't even live my life normally for the next two weeks and enjoy the things that make me feel normal?! Sheesh what ELSE can go wrong? Wait....don't answer that.

This week I am finally seeing some kind of light at the end of this long, torturous tunnel. Monday, the beta finally dropped...still weird to say that. This means that my body is finally letting this go and beginning to return back to normal. The way I see it, the sooner it returns back to normal, the sooner we can move on, officially grieve this thing and figure out our next plan on action. As of May 10th it will be TWO months since we started this IVF process with nothing to show for it. Two months wasted. I am 36 and there is no time to lose!

To quote an expert blogger in the world of IF this experience is a "dark cloud with a silver lining". Meaning the fact that I was pregnant is a good sign that something did implant. The doctor said that as well. As I'm finally beginning to come back to the world of the living I'm seeing a glimmer of this silver lining and hoping our next try, what ever that may look like, will turn into gold.    

In the mean time I get to keep going to the pokey people (and not in a good way) to give more samples of my life essence so they can analyze it. Arm band, needle, gauze and band aid, here I come

Update (ectopic & miscarriage ment.)

I can't thank you all enough for the comments you left on my last post. They helped very much and my heart aches for all of you fighting this IF battle. It feels like war sometimes. Like you're fighting a invisible enemy that constantly has the upper hand. That's where I'm at right now.

I haven't posted since that day, a dreadful two weeks ago, because in the midst of this war I was able to go on vacation to Hawaii and try and "get away" from it all. Alas it followed me anyway. I also just needed to take a break from it, as much as we tried.  We still enjoyed our time there and welcomed the warm climate and change of scenery.

Where we are now, in my wildest nightmares, is NEVER where I thought we'd be. That's what's funny about the "journey" or "war" or whatever you want to call this roller coaster of hell; it takes a turn or loop-de-loop that takes you by surprise when you least expect it.

I'll try to keep this concise, but it's hard to do when this has been continuing to drag out for the last two weeks. In short: I've had four more betas which all showed a slow rise. They continued to tell me that the pregnancy was STILL not viable and that it was a chemical possibly turning into an ectopic. One ER visit (not by choice) a u/s, a 6 hour (roundtrip) drive to my RE's office yesterday for another u/s and one Metho.trexate shot later. I still haven't miscarried this pregnancy. It's gotten to the point of absurd and comical.

We have been sad, screamed, cried, apathetic, solitary and now I think just numb. All we can hope for now is for the numbers to go down (weird to say) without having to get another shot or have it effect my health. In the meantime I can not drink, eat healthy (have to stay away from folic acid) or be exposed to the sun...for two weeks. Even as I write this I feel like this is someone else's life right now, not mine.

This is unbelievable.

This just friggin blows.

False alarm

It turned out to be a chemical....we're devastated and grieving. Don't know where to go from here except to just be sad and grieve. This is worse that the last 3 years and 9 months combined. I've never been pregnant in all that time and for a brief beautiful four days I was. Now it's gone and so are all our dreams....

Where do we go from here? I can't even begin to think about that now ...and I don't want to.

A dream come true…with a catch

First of all thank you so much for all the shout outs and words of support! You ladies Rock!! I feel a little funny about this post because I am new to the IF blogging world (albeit not new to IF). Those of us who know this journey well are familiar with the hefty amount of guilt that comes with it. As referenced in my second blog! The guilt I feel comes from the great news we got at our appointment. As I’m sure you guessed by now…it worked!!! The guilt about this post comes from the fact that not only have I just begun blogging about our IF journey and now we’ve found success, but I feel guilty for making my sisters out there on this journey too feel sad…..I can’t help it. That’s just me.

It’s such an oxymoron. Although we all have the same goal and are so excited when someone who has struggled just like us has found success, there’s just a small voice inside that says, “Gosh I wish that were me”. I know this feeling well because it has happened to me three times in the last six months. Although I was very happy for those people, it was still hard to hear. So for you sisters out there…I’m sorry….and am sending you big virtual hugs.

So about the “catch” part. The HPT that I did in the clinic was a faint line, but so was the sample so they of course did the beta, which came back at 100.9. They want me to go back in on Monday to test again to make sure the numbers are rising. The other catch is that I’m still bleeding. (Sorry if TMI) At first it was spotty and dark. Today it was a bit heavier (like a light to medium flow) and toward the afternoon became brighter in color. I called the doc on-call and he said to stop taking the low dose Aspirin and just wait until Monday. There’s nothing they can do now and since there’s no pain. He didn’t seem to be that concerned about it.

You could say we’re extremely excited, but cautiously so. Honestly, I’m still in shock and it feels totally surreal.  I wasn’t prepared for this at all!! I was bracing for a BFN and got the “good kind” of reality. I’ll keep you posted…